Written by David Hatz, Retired Teacher and Coach


         The goal of this blog is to be informative and include some English lessons, but in a light,
humorous way. As Captain Obvious would surely point out, school is hard enough under normal
circumstances, to say nothing of the myriad problems created by a global pandemic.
         With the end of the semester quickly approaching – and the papers, projects, and final
exams that come with it – I suspect some of you are feeling overwhelmed (that’s an example of
understatement).
         Therefore this entry is strictly for laughs, or laughing. No spelling, grammar,
punctuation, or syntactical instruction today. Rather, my holiday gift is to you is some riddles,
jokes, and oddly worded sentences that created unintended and hilarious meanings. Hopefully
you will find them funny (or punny), although some (most?) may leave you groaning.
         First, some riddles.
         What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One is a pause at the end of a
clause, and the other has claws at the end of its paws.

 
         Why do we tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast.


         Where do you weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie. Note: it’s better
if you sing the answer.


Wording Matters


         Following are some bloopers that actually appeared in church bulletins or
announcements that demonstrate wording is indeed important. Thanks to Peter Marengo who
posted them in the English Language Police group:


         “The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching
for Jesus.’
         “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth
keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.”
         “Miss Charlene Mason sang, ‘I Will Not Pass This Way Again,’ giving obvious pleasure to
the congregation.”
         “At the evening service tonight, the topic will be ‘What is Hell?’ Come early and listen to
our choir practice.”
         “Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a
friendship that began in their school days.”
         “This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the
altar.”

 

Math 2020


         If 2020 were a math problem, it might look something like this:
         If you’re walking on ice cream at five ounces per toaster and your bicycle loses a sock,
how much gravity will you need to repaint your hamster?

 

Bad Math Jokes, Part II


         A coed walks into coffeeshop and proclaims, “it’s cold outside.”
         The barista replies: “Go sit in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.”


         Why are obtuse angles so depressed? Because they’re never right.
         Why was the angle freezing? It was less than 32 degrees.


Bad English Teacher Jokes


         What does an English teacher eat for breakfast? Synonym buns.


         What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.


         What’s another name for Santa’s elves? Subordinate Clauses.


The Rudolph Mystery


         Finally, in the spirit of the season, this gem:
         In the song “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” not including Dasher and Dancer and
Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen, what was the name of the
“other” reindeer? … OK, time’s up. It was Olive. As in, “Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh
and call him names …”
         Well, time to go. Or perhaps it’s past time.
         Happy Holidays, y’all!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes:

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>